(from a little fiction side writing project of mine…)
"I could go a long time without being touched. Without being held or hugged or kissed. I could go a long time without that, but it didn’t mean I liked it. I managed, but struggled simultaneously. I often felt like I was in a glass box that people looked at but didn’t dare try to open. I didn’t like how everyone told me ‘but you just look like I can’t approach you’ and other assorted excuses on a daily basis. I hated how not a single person was brave enough to reach out and try to grab me or stop me because they wanted to or would not stand up in the middle of a crowded restaurant and say, ‘Hey you! I want to get to know you better!’ I didn’t want to go through life struggling like that. But I was also tired of constantly loving and putting other people first more than they loved or prioritized me. I didn’t want to be somebody’s goddamn second fiddle or third or fourth on the ladder rung of appreciation. I didn’t want to have to compete against a series of other women, online and offline alike, each and every day of my life for some man’s already short attention span. I wanted to come first as I would put that man first in my own life. What I wanted I wanted in my head, but in my heart I needed there to a fair balance of love in my life. The future significant other in my life and I needed to love one another equally in order for this to work. I couldn’t love someone more than they loved me and vice versa otherwise I’d spend every single day distancing myself from that person or stomping all over them because I could. Because they’d put up with it. Because even I, sick as it was to say, would look the other way too and ignore problems brewing underneath the surface for as long as I could. If that fair balance meant waiting on being touched tenderly, then I would hold out. I would wait because it would ultimately be the most beneficial to my own self. It hurt to wait it out, but internally I had to keep clinging to this near-blind hope I had that I was doing something right. I had my face turned to the sun now and hoped it wouldn’t burn me too badly."